Marriage is one of the most important steps in our lives that decides our long term happiness. However, with one wrong move it can turn out to be total blunder. As I said before in one of my early posts, marriage is all about growing old together. It is believed people who are married tend to be happier than those living alone.
“Marriage is a gamble.”
Years ago one of my friends said it over a discussion. He was right. You can fall for the right person or else you can fall in a trap. Trap, for instance may be marrying somebody who is in love with you for all the wrong reasons, or who thinks you will be a great thing at home, one can meanwhile explore the world and one’s options, when you are in so much love with him/her. Or else somebody who was denied of love marriage and was emotionally blackmailed by one's parents to take a step further for the guy of their choice. (They always feel they have seen the world more than their kids.) The only thing that sometimes they don’t know is they saw the world during their times and we are living in our times. My mom says this is an old age all time problem between parents and children. (Thank God, my parents are cool!). I heard one really pathetic case where the families of both knew each other and girl and boy were in courtship for one year. After marriage the girl ran away with someone else.
Marriage is certainly a game of gamble, irrespective of any theme- arranged or love.
Both have their own pros and cons. Being in Indian society caste, culture, traditions still hold priority and people marrying from different castes and religions are normally not appreciated and approved by parents and extended families. So while the decision of marriage should be of the ones who are actually marrying, in reality the decision involves the approval of the whole clan, family, extended family, society etc. more than that of the main protagonists.
We never know when we will fall in love. It can happen today tomorrow or any day till we die. So while everybody talks about what are the boons I would go for the risks factors or banes involved in Arranged marriages or Love marriages.
1. In love marriages, relatives are on your nerves, judging you on the basis of your choice, parents fearing what our child will be thought of by others (yes even in today’s era there are parents who fear that.)
While in Arranged marriages, relatives and parents are on your nerves, worrying about your Marriage Expiry Date ( it is a term I have recently invented). So when you’ll deny some good proposals (according to them) you’ll be given some not so good options (according to everybody else’s standards) to compromise before there is an Expiry Date. Of course next lot is of divorcees and widows/ers after that.
“Make the hay while sun shines.”
We all have read this and understand the deep meaning behind it now.
2. In Love marriages, nothing else may be according to you ( your family’s) standards except the girl/boy! (You know once you two will start a new life, you’ll be the one putting in all your efforts to make everything else will fall in place.)
In arranged marriages, everyone ensures you make minimum compromise, though probability of you falling in love with the girl/boy presented before you between so many options is low, one fears about chemistry and understanding with the other person.
3. You may end up making a wrong choice in arranged marriage, knowing that the person you married is in love with someone else. Or worst scenario, the guy you married has fallen in love with a girl at his work place. Poof!!!! You are out of picture!
On the other hand, you may end up in loss of feelings in love marriage after knowing the person you married is no more same and your expectations (over)may lead you into frustrations and feelings of denial.
4. Since, our Indian society is still not very open, one is forced to decide about a guy/girl without much conversations in few initial meetings. Your trust may be broken after learning a few things your spouse did not tell you or lied to you before the alliance. Wait a minute…. It happens in love marriages too –False promises, false claims, false hopes!
5. Because in Indian society one is ought to live with the whole family and not just with a girl or a boy, in love marriages, you may crave for acceptance by other family members. Belonging to different family settings may give you another nervous breakdown as the expectations from you are more. Parents would want to prove their little girl’s/boy’s choice wrong, they feel s/he is still not matured enough.
6. In some family settings, arranged marriages mean dowry. The family that can bid more for your son is the family that wins your son for their daughter. Boys feel proud knowing their worth in monetary terms, and girls like the purchasing power of their parents. Why shouldn’t they be proud, their parents have bought the best one for them? Love takes a secondary position in such cases.
Conclusion: Summing up what I heard, saw and learned the alliances of both types have their own charm and curse. There are some screwed up love marriages and some very successful arranged marriages in the family and friends. It’s all about your destiny. Belonging from both the worlds, where my own parents had sort of love marriage and I, most probably, am going to have the arranged (-cum love), I can only say one thing, “Let the fruit ripened with patience, endurance, respect for each other’s views and efforts to understand. “
In the end it’s about the one who can make you fall in love over and over again. We are here to celebrate life, let’s do it!
P.S. Love marriage or arranged marriage- decision should be yours. If you are of marriageable age, you should be matured enough to decide about what is wrong and right for you. So that you wont blame someone else for your screwed up life.
P.S. Post your views, if you have any on the same. Or else votes of approval will also make the effort worthwhile. All the best to the ones who are going to tie the knot!