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Monday, May 12, 2014

Bypassing the Broken Yesterday...

She loves to relish the fine beautiful patterns the artists create using their vast color palettes depicting a story on each canvas. It was her another evening in such an exhibition, when her long forgotten friend approached her with a warm hello. She in return gave her a dazed look at first followed by a nod and a sallow smile. Somewhere she didn't want to accept the fact that finally they both met. Until now she remembered nothing of past, or else she pretended to. But after looking at that face she remembered every single element from the gone years and her miseries thereafter. She could recollect the times when she was burning in dearth of opportunities to pay her back for stabbing at her back, for taking away the love of her life, for those degraded morals she’d shown to her despite knowing every inch of her heart.

Now when she was standing before her, she had no clue what to do with her. Trusting her back seemed foolishness and plotting revenge was pointless now. Still after she thought she had moved on, there was a part of her that wasn’t satisfied yet. They say time heals all wounds, but in her case wounds took a backseat for a while with passing time. She wasn't over with the gone affair.
“How are you?”
“Thanks for asking, I am very fine”, her tone was soaked in arrogance. She was about to depart from unpleasantness when she grabbed her arm.

"So you haven't forgotten and forgiven me yet?" Sensing a tension between them she brought up the topic.

"Does it matter?” She never had any intention to forgive her ever.
"I am sorry, trust me I don't know how it happened!"
"Trust is a strong word for you. Forget it. I hope you both are doing well!"

"I don’t know about him", she continued, "a year later, he left me for somebody else, may be that gives you peace. May be that was what I deserved for the sin I committed. For all these years, I haven’t slept well. The guilt inside me is not letting me to. I want to confess it to somebody, to tell someone of what I did. But a fear that I will lose my pals, relatives or may be trust of strangers never let the words break out from my mouth. I couldn't share anything with anyone. One mistake and a burdened life, I don’t know how to take it further."

She listened to her. Her eyes all dried up with no sign of empathy, her heart seemed hard like a rock. Words fell on her but couldn't soften her stern face.

She continued, with a shaky voice, her throat filled up with penance, telling her how bad she feels, how blind she became, how worst their relationship was, how miserable her life had been. Her eyes were begging for a forgiveness. And She was listening to all this mutely. And after a while her mind started running faster than a blink of an eye.
'Why there is so much anger in me, mostly for her and not for him. He was the man of lose morals too’, She thought to herself, ‘why his mistakes should be forgotten when he purposefully got involved with my best friend. May be because we have often heard of the stories of men leaving us- women, for the greener pastures; that is when our best friends stand by our side giving us a shoulder to cry. No family, no one else knows us inside out like a friend knows. After we are done with crying and cursing part, there are only friends who force us to smile and live on!! I had none. I was abandoned by both love and friendship and was left alone and by myself in the dark.' That time she wanted to die or run away from the world around her but chose to live and fight the fake sympathy of people who knew her story, who gossiped behind her. And she survived successfully.

"You know how it feels when your trust is broken from both the sides you rely on the most? Hush! Don't say another word, because you can never know!"

They both were quiet for a while. Both of their eyes meeting with each-others. One’s were dry lost in deep contemplation, perplexed with change of emotions inside her while latter one's were wet in repentance. She further thought, while she couldn't overcome the infidelity by love and friendship, the lady standing before her couldn't find tranquility in the marsh of guilt and betrayal too.

After ages of high and low tides, her mind was calm. "I forgive you. Past should not affect our lives.", she smiled weakly."

"Thank you." A tear rolled down from her eyes, "Thank you so much. I will never give you another chance to complain."

"Please don’t expect a reunion from me. I can’t. I can only tell you I have no more grudges. I can only wish you good luck for your life." And she left from there, while her friend was staring at her flustered at first but with serenity in her eyes, later on.

Both of them had faced the outcomes of loving a wrong man. When she was thinking only she couldn’t move on from that shock, unable to trust people much in her life, unable to rely on one single person with all her secrets and missing that special feeling for somebody. She was successful but isolated and lonely inside. Now she was tranquilized, thoughtful, forgiving, stronger, and ready to take up next step in her life- ready to give love another chance. She was once again ready to trust people with friendship. A little curiosity budded inside her, how that man must be now, but for a while. She didn’t care much about past anymore. After all, that was an experience which made her stronger and visionary…
Image courtesy: Google

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

A to Z Reflection Post

A-to-Z Story:
It was the summer of 29 March 2014 when I thought about checking April A-to-Z Challenge list. Inspired by Shilpa’s blog post and previous year’s challenge updates from her blog, 15 days earlier I went on the site to register for it. But due to power failure I thought I failed in the process. So out of general curiosity I went back there to check if I have my name there! I pressed control and ‘F’ and entered my name, there was nothing. I thought about taking part in it next year with some former preparations. Something came in my mind and I typed ‘ELIXIRED’ in the search box and there it was… I became stoned. I was perplexed. I read and re-read rules instructions on the site. Because of tensed mind I thought I was missing something important. I called up Shine- my friend-bloggermate-rescuer. We had discussed about the challenge earlier. Because of her job and routine she didn’t get time to check into the challenge link. We talked that night, me in panic- thinking what to do; she smiling and telling me-“we will crack it together”. Yes she had made her mind to jump in with me.

I have been a moody blogger. When something inspires me, I write. When nothing hits my head I wait for that perfect mood or idea to give me a push. When I am not updating my blog, either I read or travel or I write Hindi poems in my diary-which I seldom publish here! I scrolled down past year’s archives- posts number for every year on my blog read 27...18...26…35…31.
I was going numb, thinking what will I write for continuous 26 days! Anyhow leaving my fears behind I blew the trumpet by updating A-to-Z Challenge update before entering war- the war with me and my mood-based- writings. I shared the news with fellow bloggers around who like me had inhibitions of completing the task. Feverishly I started making the list about what to write. I re-read the challenge instructions. That was the time when Shilpa came in for my rescue, telling me not to worry and I can ask her for any doubts or where ever I get stuck.

A night before I was ready with my one third list (tentative) of the topics I will write about and the first post’s draft. And then the challenge started the next day. I was all enthusiastic. I wrote a poem about a boy who had lost his dad and was missing him. So the routine started.I thank my Sister and Brother for proof reading many of my last minute works. Daily I cribbed about not having any awesome idea to write about, changing the topics at last minute. I wanted to try my best to survive through this challenge, keeping the quality of posts intact.
After first week, I read a lot; I shared my views on most things ever on blog-o-sphere in such a short span of time. My eyes were dry, but not my enthusiasm! I was tired as I am advised not to be before computer for long, but writing during night and visiting others during day was an amazing experience. I had plans to go to Udaipur with 5 other girls. Fellow friend and blogger Shine was part of the trip. We planned our Udaipur trip from the scratch during this time. Everybody did their work from planning to searching and booking. It was an hour before catching the train when I was scheduling my posts fervently. My sister and her friend were both reminding me to hurry up.

The funny reactions:
A fellow blogger(CRD) pinged me on Facebook: "Whatsup?"
Me: "Nothing, struggling!"
CRD: "Why?"
Me: "I am tensed, don't know what to write for tomorrow?"
He asked in amusement : "Are they going to send their men after you, if you withdraw?"
I laughed: “I want to reach the finishing line with all my might!”

My mother saw me before laptop whole time, reading, writing, commenting and she said, “Are you going to give away your life to this challenge or will they sue you if you do not write?”, I laughed over it again.

Looking Back:
Now when I look at the month beginning, I see the whole challenge task nearly impossible or unattainable for me. But I survived. I survived along with a trip to Udaipur, falling ill and sleeping for a few days on pills and doctor’s visits, shopping for a friend’s wedding, and two days wedding celebrations. The hurdles made journey far more exciting, breaking the monotonous routine. As my family knows when I really want something, I am one ghost after it with all my heart and soul. (ghosts don't have heart/soul but I do have) And it proved I love this blogging thing a way too much.

Your support made it a success, thank you:
Along with my family, participant fellow bloggers, many non-bloggers and non-participant bloggers supported me during this challenge. I thank all of them who used to share their views offline through messages, fb-chats, phone calls and emails and showed their support! ((though I would have loved it more if their views were visible on my blog too). I did not know that so many known people read my blog. With their messages and support they too indirectly became part of this challenge. It was wonderful when after reading my posts my friends used to ask me what will come with the next alphabet (about which I had no clue). Many of my post topics were changed before last minute- I wanted to ensure the quality. Without their support I wouldn't be inspired to write better. Love you with all my heart. Again Shilpa and Corinne thank you so much for making this challenge a success for me and helping me in knowing so many fellow bloggers.

I connected with many awesome fellow- bloggers:
During this challenge I got to know some of the wonderful bloggers notably Vidya Suri, Beloo Mehra, Rajlakshmi, Kathy CombsVishal Bheeroo, Jayanta, Nabanita, AnanyaSunday Visitor, Srilakshmi, Shailja, Swathi, Aditi, Pheno-menon among others.
I thank CRD (fellow-blogger) for his comment support. I love you Shine for your support and for boosting up my confidence.

Closing speech:
This A to Z taught me that if I really want to write something I can write daily (about which I had no clue initially). Also when it is about my self- respect I can challenge my limits to prove myself! (Laughing out loud) Thanks to all the A-to-Z team and mates :)
P.S. It was my first participation in any such challenge like many others.
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